I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize