my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
