She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
