just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
