he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
