I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
