he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
