Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
