So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Never let your siblings swipe right.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
