We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
