Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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