I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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