I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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