Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
