Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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