I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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