When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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