by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
