I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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