come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
