I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
