i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
