i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Thank you for not boning my boss.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
