dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
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