i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
