Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
