How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
