Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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