I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize