It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
