when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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