I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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