If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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