i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
