I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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