i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
