a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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