I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
