we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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