The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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