please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
pop tarts are not kleenex
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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