she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
