I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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