I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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