I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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