Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
