I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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