so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
