It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
There are leaves in my underwear?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
