this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
