he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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