Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
