i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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