and i looked up. we had an audience...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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