my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize
